Confused to the core, but what comes next?
by TantanS
Summary: John Paul/Craig, starts around june 2007 in canon. Craig can admit, if only to himself, that he's confused by his feelings towards John Paul, but what on earth is he going to do about it?
1. Chapter 1

"Hey! Craig!" shouted John Paul as he jogged up to the tall, dark figure loitering outside the Loft. The figure turned, "You're late!" replied Craig, trying to look cross but finding it hard when faced with his best friend's cheeky grin. "Sorry mate, Carmel wanted me to help her choose an outfit for tonight. Aleks is taking her out. For some reason now I'm officially 'Out' she assumes I MUST know whether wedges go with a pencil skirt!", Craig couldn't help replying "well, do they Mr. Dolce?" John Paul returned with a friendly punch, followed by Craig keeling over in mock agony "that didn't hurt!" laughed JP, "how would you know?!" moaned Craig in a surprisingly camp tone "coz you're not that much of a wimp! Then again….aaahh!" John Paul cried out as Craig suddenly leapt up and pounced on him, pushing him against the wall "now who's the wimp!" Craig laughed as he pinned the blond boy against the bricks.

John Paul had to concede defeat as his friend now had him trapped; not that being held against a wall by Craig Dean was really a bad thing, in fact, he was quite enjoying it…..God, he had to stop thinking like that or he'd go mad! They were just friends and he should just be grateful for that mercy, their friendship could so easily have ended on that ill-fated night when John Paul had declared his undying love for his best friend. Sht, it still made him cringe! Not because he was ashamed of his feelings, no, he'd learned to accept them and was finally comfortable in his own skin, but because of the mixture of confusion and horror he had seen in the face of the boy he loved more than anything. He was lucky that they had managed to come through the whole palaver reasonably unscathed; John Paul had forgiven Craig for attacking him, how could he not when the boy was so penitent and obviously distraught at his own actions, though it had taken a while. Now they had reached a calm balance, Craig accepted John Paul for who he was and John Paul had worked at suppressing his romantic feelings. It was hard but JP would do anything to protect his relationship with Craig, even if it could only ever be platonic.

His thoughts jumping back to the present, he realised that he'd been against the wall for a while now and Craig showed no sign of being about to release him, what was going on? He looked up into his friends face and saw to his surprise a look similar to that which he'd seen on the night he'd just been reminiscing over, God, what was wrong? " what's up?" he asked, real concern resonating in his words. JP's voice seemed to snap the dark haired lad back to reality. His eyes glazed over and a cheeky grin reappeared on his face "nothing mate" was his unsatisfactory reply " are you sure?" pressed John Paul, worry creating endearing creases in his forehead. "Seriously, nothing! Come on, it's bloody freezing out here and I need a drink! I've been waiting long enough!" and with that he turned and headed towards the club. John Paul wasn't convinced by his friend's light hearted banter, he knew him too well for that, but he didn't want to go looking for trouble so decided to let it drop for now. If it was serious Craig would tell him when he was ready. Now was the time to get slaughtered and just enjoy being with the most amazing guy in the world…..Christ, this was going to be hard. "Oh well, deep breath" JP said softly to himself. "Are you coming or what? Slowcoach!" Craig's voice goaded him. Hey, wait up!" he called back, jogging to catch up with his best friend. Fun and booze, that's what tonight's about thought John Paul, and I'm going to make the most of every second! And with that he followed Craig into the Loft.

The night was just beginning…

3 hours later and both boys were well on the way to the land of big smiles and blurry vision. It was good to forget the worries of exams, revision, family and the emotional trauma of being teenagers with hormones.

John Paul was just returning from the bar with a new round of drinks and Craig had never felt happier. If he had been sober he would have worried about this thought; why exactly was he so happy? Sarah wasn't there and he couldn't see any fit girls in the vicinity. However, right now the vodka rushing through his veins was numbing his mind and he was happy just to enjoy the moment, he didn't want to think about what had so nearly happened outside…"so, how are things going with Sarah?" John Paul asked as he sat down. He didn't really want to talk about Craig's love life, not being a part of it himself, but they were friends and despite the level of alcohol in his blood stream he was with it enough to know that that's what friends did. Also Sarah was his friend too and though eternally jealous of her he did want to make sure she was happy.

Craig had to think about his reply; how were things going with Sarah?? She was still as gorgeous as ever and he liked spending time with her. They weren't fighting so much anymore and he enjoyed the stability of their relationship. However sometimes he worried about the comparison between his feelings for her and those he had for his best friend. Not that he fancied his best friend, I mean God, he only had to look at Sarah to know he was straight, but sometimes he realised that he missed John Paul when he was with Sarah but when with John Paul it just felt right, he never even thought about Sarah….Christ, it was all so confusing! Suddenly he realised JP was still waiting for a reply. "oh fine" he said, trying to cover the moment by taking a gulp of his vodka and coke. He was fully aware that his answer did not equate to the amount of time it had taken. He looked up and met John Paul's sparkling blue eyes staring at him inquisitively, those eyes….sht!! where the hell had that thought come from?? Shaking his head slightly to clear his head, he started to talk. "It really is going well, I mean, Sarah's great, you know? She's everything I look for in a girl; funny, smart, sexy as hell!" With this last comment he tried a boyish grin. From the look on John Paul's face, he wasn't convincing anybody. He sighed. "She IS great, and I'm really lucky to be with her…" he hesitated "but…" JP filled in for him, "but…I don't know whether I really love her" He couldn't believe he'd said it, but somehow it was a relief to tell somebody. It actually felt pretty great! Especially talking to John Paul, he could rely on him to understand, he really was an amazing guy….not again!!! Why the hell did he keep thinking like that! JP was a GUY!! He needed to stop, needed to get out of there. He new if he kept talking he'd probably say something he'd regret, something he himself didn't really understand. He panicked and his natural instinct kicked in; RUN! it said, run away, escape!

Putting down his drink he mumbled a quick "toilet" and ran. Leaving a baffled boy gazing after him.

Ten minutes later Craig still hadn't come back, where the hell is he?? thought John Paul, what's going on? I thought we were back to normal again! Sighing with heartfelt frustration he downed the rest of his drink and went off in search of his friend.

As he pushed open the door to the boys' toilets he heard something strange. Was that someone crying? "Craig?" he called out tentatively. He got no reply. As John Paul moved into the room the noise seemed to quieten. "Hello?" he tried again. Nothing. He listened harder. He realised the sound was coming from the last cubicle; he decided to investigate. Nearing the door he called out again "Hello, Craig is that you?" still no reply. He got to the door and noticed it had only been pushed too, not locked. He reached out and gave it a gentle nudge, as the door swung open he instantly recognised the clearly distressed figure hunched over on the toilet "oh my God! Are you alright??" He asked quickly, moving forward.

"Jake?"

John Paul had been expecting to see Craig in the cubicle and was shocked to discover his older brother instead, however shock had quickly changed to concern as clearly there was something really wrong. Jake didn't reply, he didn't even seem to have noticed John Paul at all. "Jake, what's wrong?" he asked again. He moved forward and put his hand gently on Jake's shoulder. This seemed to trigger something in the older man and he jerked his head up, glaring at John Paul. "Get off me QUEER!!" he growled, his face lined with tears. John Paul was surprised by the speed at which Jake's mood had changed but was unfazed by his reaction. He knew Jake's feelings on JP's sexuality. However, despite Jake's hostility, John Paul didn't walk away as he had every right to do. For some reason which he himself couldn't quite understand he felt compassion towards Jake, he pitied him. He also felt a duty to Nancy, the poor girl had to live with the guy! "I know you have a problem with me but I don't want you going home and burdening Nancy with whatever sht's going on with you, she's got enough on her plate as it is. So if there's something you need to talk about, tell me. Although I'd prefer it if you didn't insult me!" Jake quickly moved his head down again at John Paul's mention of Nancy. There was an uncomfortable silence as Jake continued to sit, staring at the floor.

Finally, he gave out a hollow laugh "if only you knew!" then more silence. After what seemed to JP like the length of one of Mercedes' marathon showers, Jake looked up. He cleared his throat nervously "Look mate, I'm umm…I'm sorry…you know, about all the…um, homophobic sht. I guess it freaks me out a bit, you know…two guys. But I guess if Craig can get over it. I can. I mean, he was the one you had a thing for right?!" He laughed feebly at his own weak attempt to lighten the mood. "and…" he looked even more uncomfortable now "you're a good friend to Nancy. I mean, she needs all the support she can get…I'm bloody useless!" With this last outburst came a new flood of tears and Jake looked away, extremely embarrassed but unable to stop. "Look, Jake, I'm sure it can't be as bad as you think. You're probably just emotional what with having to look after Charlie and stuff." John Paul attempted to comfort him, not really knowing what to say. Jake laughed weakly and mumbled what sounded like "if only".

"Right" said John Paul, deciding to take action. "Come on, tidy yourself up a bit and I'll buy you a drink. A toilet is no place for a heart to heart and you can't stay in here feeling miserable forever" Jake sighed deeply, but realised JP had a point. "ok" he said quietly "but could you just give me a minute?". John Paul replied with a slightly embarrassed "of course" and went out to buy them both a drink.

It was only as he reached the bar that he remembered why he'd gone into the toilets in the first place. Oh God, Craig! He thought. Where the hell has he got to, he clearly wasn't in the bathroom. John Paul ordered two beers and turned round, leaning against the bar. As he did so he saw a rather forlorn looking Jake moving towards him. Oh well, he thought to himself, I guess Craig will have to wait, I've got more pressing problems to deal with at the moment, like whatever the hell's going on with Jake??

Craig lifted his head as he heard a knocking on his door. He decided to ignore it, hoping whoever it was would get the message… **tap, tap, tap!** clearly not "Who is it?" he said, trying to make his voice sound as disinterested and uninviting as possible; it wasn't really a challenge. "It's Mum" called out Frankie "can I come in?" Craig sighed, "course". Frankie opened the door and looked at her youngest son sat on the edge of his bed "are you ok love?" her voice full of concern. "yeah, course!" replied Craig, trying to sound nonchalant but failing rather dismally "oh love, what's wrong? I thought you were going out with John Paul tonight?" Frankie moved to the bed and sat down next to her son, putting her arm around him. "You haven't fallen out again have you? Oh, Craig, you were getting on so well together!" "It's not that Mum" Craig replied quickly. "Then what is it sweetheart? I'm sure it's not as bad as you think" She tightened her hold round his shoulders and gave him a reassuring squeeze.

Craig felt himself relax slightly, his Mum was always capable of making his problems seem somehow less life-threatening. He let his thoughts wander…he hadn't had a fight with John Paul yet his emotions were so confused he might as well have done. John Paul…if only Craig could sort out he own feelings towards that boy, that would be a start. He always had an amazing time when he was with him and missed him desperately when they were apart. What did that mean?? If anything! God, why was it always so confusing? John Paul…it all came down to John Paul…

"Oh Sht, JOHN PAUL!!" Craig jumped up "What is it love?" exclaimed a very confused Frankie. Craig was incoherent "Oh God! I just walked out! What's he gonna think? that I've freaked out again; that I can't deal with it!! I just wanted time to think, to be alone, now he'll think I've abandoned him! Bgger, bgger, bgger!!" This all came out at breakneck speed and left Frankie with no idea as to what had so affected her son "Craig, Craig! Calm down! What's the matter??!" Craig suddenly became aware of his Mum's voice floating through into his blind panic "Sorry Mum, I've got to go" he said quickly and ran out of his room, almost breaking his neck on the stairs in his hurry to find John Paul and explain, he had no idea what he was going to say, he just knew he had to find him! Please God say he was still at the loft…

"Wow" John Paul was speechless…who would have thought so much stuff could be going on in Jake Dean's head! Even before his basically Neanderthal reaction to John Paul's very public 'outing' JP had never considered him to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, at least nothing in comparison to Craig. Although, pondered John Paul as he allowed the thought to evolve, Craig did have his moments! Like his stupid jealousy with Sarah and his initial rejection of John Paul 'post-kiss'. This was how John Paul saw his life: there was the time before the kiss, filled with confusion and angst, and then post-kiss, a time also filled with confusion and angst but with, in addition, a feeling of hope; if the truth was out, things could only get better! John Paul had to think like that otherwise he'd just stop getting out of bed in the mornings…

"Yeah, so…what do you think I should do?", Jake's haggard looking face was staring at John Paul as though some great gem of wisdom was about to be bestowed upon him. JP suddenly felt very inadequate. Just because he'd been through a rough time recently what with his coming out and getting used to his own sexuality it didn't mean he was now the fountain of all knowledge! In fact, he felt he understood less about human nature now than ever before. Dmn! He'd wanted to help but now had no idea what to say; what could he say? It was such a bizarre situation. Just as he was starting to panic he heard his name being called out and turned towards the voice.

"John Paul!"

"Craig! Where the hell have you been?" came John Paul's angry reply, although he was relieved to have escaped from Jake's demanding gaze for a moment. "You said you were going to the toilet?!" "I know, and I'm SO sorry!" apologised Craig as he reached the bar. He noticed Jake looking rather worse for wear beside JP and clearly curious as to the scene unfolding before him. Craig leant in towards John Paul and said more softly "can we possibly go somewhere quieter? We need to talk" giving John Paul a meaningful look. John Paul's curiosity was obviously overcoming his anger and with a somewhat guilty glance at Jake, he nodded. "Would you mind?" he asked sheepishly, fully aware that he was bailing out. "course not" mumbled a bemused looking Jake, his own troubles momentarily forgotten.

"What's going on Craig?" John Paul demanded as soon as they were outside. "First you confess that you might not be in love with Sarah, then you go really weird and disappear for over an hour!!" He was now standing in front of Craig with his hands on his hips, looking very like Myra when she was adamant she was going to get the truth. Despite the tension Craig couldn't help but smile at his friend as a strange thought came unbidden to the front of his mind: John Paul was so adorable…

"Well??" John Paul's snappy tone brought him quickly back to his current, awkward situation. He had been so desperate to see John Paul he hadn't really thought about what he was going to say. He himself wasn't completely sure about what he was feeling so how was he supposed to explain it to the angry and confused boy standing in front of him? Right, he'd better say something or JP might give up on him, not give him a chance to explain. He couldn't bare that, couldn't bare to lose him again.

"It's hard to explain…" he said, playing for time.

"Well try me" came John Paul's icy reply. Craig took a deep breath, he'd started and he was going to have to finish. "I'm really sorry I ran out on you, I just needed some space to clear my head, my emotions have been all over the place recently and…well…" John Paul steady gaze was making him nervous and he floundered, searching for the right words "…what with Sarah and trying to sort out my feelings for her, you know…and it's been great being friends again, don't get me wrong. I missed you so much…I…I never felt so lost." Craig blushed deeply with this last confession and stared at the floor, desperately avoiding John Paul's striking blue eyes which seemed to see right through him. "It's just…I feel really close to you and, I mean, we have fun together right? Like all mates. Just…sometimes…it feels like more, you know….and it scares me." Craig let out a long, slow breath. Saying it out loud made him feel calmer somehow, like it was real, it wasn't just him going mad. He risked glancing up at John Paul and was met with a look he found impossible to read. What was it: incredulity, fear, excitement, wariness? Or rather a mixture of them all, decided Craig. Realising he was still staring, John Paul moved his eyes down, it was now his turn to blush.

"Wow" he said for the second time in 10 minutes.

Craig's words were buzzing round John Paul's head "I feel so close to you…it feels like more…" He'd longed to hear words like these from Craig for so long that now he didn't know how to react. Of course Craig meant it from a purely platonic point of view, he couldn't possibly mean anything more than that, could he?? "it feels like more…" John Paul shared the sentiment completely but had no way of knowing whether his understanding of the words was the same as Craig's. He looked at his friend. God, he was dmn hot!! All confused and nervous. Realising he was getting a little TOO excited (if you know what I mean…whistles innocently) John Paul quickly moved on from that thought. Sht, I thought I'd gotten passed this, he groaned silently.

What's he thinking? bgger, I hope I haven't freaked him out, worried Craig. Both boys seemed to realise at that moment that neither had said anything for a while.

"John Paul, I…" Craig started as John Paul also began to speak "Gosh Craig, I…" They laughed nervously, "You go first!" said Craig quickly. "Well…I was gonna say that…I'm really touched that you feel that way" there was an awkward pause. Suddenly seeing how crass that sounded John Paul hurriedly expanded on his words, "I mean, I feel the same…you're like the brother I never had…" Christ, that was even worse! Couldn't he get anything right! John Paul mentally scolded himself. Craig seemed to accept this though and smiled shyly "sorry I got all weird, I guess it's coz I've never felt like this before…" said Craig, trailing off as he lost his nerve. "I mean, I've never had such a close friend" he qualified; he didn't want John Paul to think he was coming on to him! Although, as his mind wandered of it's on accord, JP did look pretty amazing tonight. He'd spiked up his hair and Craig could see a toned chest through the boy's shirt. Craig could certainly see the attraction John Paul might hold for a like minded lad…he was suddenly on his guard! Would said 'like minded lad' take John Paul away from him? He had had no qualms about Hannah's relationship with JP but he instinctively knew it would be different with another boy. It was going to happen sometime, he said to himself, he could hardly expect John Paul to be celibate…but something niggled…what was it? Something about HIS John Paul with another guy felt wrong, not because it was two guys, no, Craig was fine with that. It was something else, but he couldn't work out what…

"Do you wanna go back in? It's getting a bit chilly out here?" John Paul shivered slightly to stress his point. It was cold but mostly he just needed to break the tension, Craig had gone quiet again after his rather moving confession and John Paul didn't know what to do or say next. He really wanted to hug his friend, but didn't know if it would be inappropriate.

"Actually, John Paul, do you mind if we go to the Dog? I'd rather not have to deal with Jake at the moment." John Paul felt a sharp pang of guilt at Craig's mention of Jake but decided that he too wasn't ready to deal with him right now. I'll talk to him tomorrow, JP told himself in an attempt to ease his conscience. "Sure, no probs!" was his rather overenthusiastic reply to Craig.

They turned and started off towards the pub. Both boys had their hands in their pockets and were deep in thought; happy to walk together in silence. A full moon was high in the sky and the soft light made Hollyoaks look quite peaceful. As the boys walked along they each enjoyed the gentle atmosphere created by the night and the feeling of contentment they got just from being together. Despite their strong connection and close relationship however, neither would have guessed that the other's train of thought was actually not so very different from their own...


	2. Chapter 2

John Paul could hear Mercedes and Michaela fighting in the hall as he reached over to the bedside table and clumsily turned off his alarm. As he collapsed back into his pillow he yawned, stretching his arms out above his head while allowing his mind to tentatively recall the events of the previous evening…

On their arrival at the Dog both boys had made a silent agreement to lighten the mood and neither mentioned their earlier emotional confessions. The evening had proceeded smoothly with lots of light-hearted banter accompanied by copious pints of lager and it was well into the morning before John Paul announced he was ready for bed . For some reason Craig felt very strongly about walking him home and had not taken no for an answer. John Paul had been too far gone to concern himself with the workings of his best mate's drunken mind and was just glad that he would have more time than expected with his wonderful Craig . He had sighed to himself contentedly, the alcohol in his system blinding him to the dangers of allowing thoughts like that to surface.

Craig was clearly in a good mood as they walked slowly towards the McQueen household. It reminded John Paul of that time when Craig had gotten himself royally plastered and, so it had seemed to John Paul at the time, had been about to kiss him. The pure yet violently strong emotions he had felt in that moment scared him even now. He didn't know if he would ever feel that strongly about someone or want another person that much again, but he prayed that if he did, that person would want him back. He didn't believe he could live through that God awful rejection again.

As they neared John Paul's road, he suddenly felt Craig tense next to him. He turned towards his friend, his eyes questioning…

Craig had enjoyed almost every minute of his night out with John Paul, despite his own stupid freaking out, and was flying higher than ever before. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt quite this good. Actually, this wasn't strictly true, but he Wasn't Thinking About That Night In The Gym. He knew it had just been the rather large amount of alcohol he had consumed during the evening and the strong emotions of Friendship which he had been almost tangible between them. FRIENDSHIP! That was all. Although, he had known then that John Paul was in love with him. Had that affected his mood?? No. He told himself sternly, he had been completely rat-arsed and with his best friend, who wouldn't have been happy? His mind then wandered of it's own accord…

Craig stopped himself suddenly as he snapped back to the present. Shit! The thought of John Paul in love with him made his stomach do a disconcerting somersault. Why?! Surely, he should have been freaked out by it; he imagined that's how other straight guys would react. But somehow he couldn't stop the feeling that it was somehow 'Right'. Christ, he was going to go completely insane if he carried on like this.

It was then he realised John Paul was staring at him. Shit! he mentally scolded himself. He must have actually stopped walking . His mind started buzzing as his booze-addled brain tried to come up with a convincing explanation for his strange behaviour. His efforts were hampered furthermore by just how cute John Paul looked, his blue eyes wide with curiosity and concern, his lips looking so soft and inviting in the moonlight…

"I…um…I just remembered that…umm…I promised mum and Steph I'd go shopping with them tomorrow!" He finished quickly, groaning in mock horror as he prayed John Paul would believe his rather lame explanation. By the look on JP's face he wasn't completely convinced, but he just laughed softly and turned back towards his house. Craig silently thanked a God he didn't believe in. However, he noticed as he started to follow John Paul, there was a part of him that was disappointed. Why?! What had he wanted; John Paul to think he was a freak?? But even as he argued his point a small voice in his head said 'wouldn't it be better if he knew how you felt? You don't know, he might still love you.' Craig batted the thought away quickly. He was certain John Paul would have moved on by now…and anyway, what did it matter to him? It wasn't as though he loved John Paul back?! Was it…

"John Paul!"

John Paul reluctantly pushed the door open again "What Mum? I'm just off to Nancy's."

"Oh, are you revising together love?" Myra called back cheerily.

John Paul nodded and turned quickly, attempting another speedy escape. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be.

"Are you gonna be back for tea love?" there was a pause "you could invite Craig over if you wanted?"

This last offer was a testament to her love for her son. After what Craig Dean had done to her John Paul Myra was about ready to push him off a cliff, however she realised how much their friendship meant to her only son, had seen for herself his despair in their weeks apart. She was willing to put up with Craig for John Paul's benefit.

"Nah, thanks Mum but Craig's in Manchester today with Frankie and Steph. I'll prob grab something with Nance later. See ya!" And with that he made a decisive move through the door, not giving Myra a chance to reply.

John Paul thought about his Mum's offer as he made his way over to Nancy's flat. He knew how hard it had been for her to accept Craig again and he really appreciated it. As he knocked on Nancy's door he made a mental note to thank her later.

As the door opened John Paul was surprised to see Jake standing in the doorway, Charlie balanced on his hip. What with all the stuff with Craig last night and revising all morning he'd completely forgotten about Jake. Suddenly feeling rather embarrassed he felt himself blush "Hey Jake…um, sorry about yesterday, I didn't mean to just leave like that" stuck for what to say next he stared at the floor, his hands pushed deep into his pockets. "Don't worry about it" came Jake's friendly reply. John Paul looked up to find Craig's brother smiling at him. Feeling incredibly relieved he smiled easily back. "Look, if you ever want to talk…about anything…I'll be happy to…" Jake cut him off. "I'll keep that in mind, thanks" It was now Jake's turn to look embarrassed as he remembered the state he'd been in the previous evening "Things got a bit on top of me, you know? A couple of pints and a good night's sleep and here I am, right as rain!" he gestured to himself as he spoke, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically. However John Paul was eager to ease his own guilt and didn't pick up on it. "Glad to hear it mate!" he joked cheerily, relief evident in his voice. "Hey, is Nancy in? We agreed to meet up and do some revision together." "Oh right, yeah. Well she's just popped out to get some more milk, but she should be back in a sec. Do you wanna come in and wait?" Jake offered welcomingly. "Cup of tea?"

"That'd be great, thanks" John Paul replied as he followed Jake into the flat.

"SSSSOOOOOO, how are things going with this Spike bloke then?" demanded Nancy, twenty minutes into their revision.

John Paul was thrown by the speed and directness of the question. It was like he was being interviewed by the police. The police might even have been less scary...

"Well!! SPILL!" came the challenging voice again.

"Umm...well...he's nice and everything, you know...and he's...um...pretty fit..." John Paul attempted nervously.

"You don't seem very enamoured!" Nancy replied sternly.

"Well, he's fun and I can have a laugh with him...but...umm...I don't think it's really gonna be a long-term thing...we're just keeping things light".

"Riiiiigggghhht" Nancy didn't sound very convinced.

"I mean, it's not like I don't like him, it's just...well, there isn't really that spark, you know? Like what you had with Foz!" he felt slightly underhand bringing Nancy's ex-lover into it, but he just wanted her to back off. He didn't even want to think about his feelings right now, never mind explain them to someone else, especially Nancy.

"Does he know you feel this way?"

John Paul groaned silently, she clearly wasn't going to be distracted.

"umm...I assume so" he said, purposely not looking up.

"Well, I think you need to tell him. It's not fair to lead him on, and if you don't want something serious you'd better let him know before he gets too attached!" John Paul could feel her glare burning the side of his head. He sighed,

"I guess you're right" he mumbled reluctantly. He actually felt Nancy's mood change.

"You know I am!" she said cheerily; Scary Nancy gone for the moment, mission accomplished.

"Sssssoooooo...if Spike's not 'The One', is there someone else you've got your eye on?" this time her tone was subtle and coaxing.

"Um...no, not really" John Paul tried to sound relaxed though he was sure his heart rate was off the scale. "Hollyoaks is hardly a haven for gorgeous, sweet, funny AND sexy blokes who just happen to be gay and single!"

Nancy laughed as JP sighed dramatically. "I see your point! There aren't even many straight ones, believe me I've looked!"

As their laughter died down John Paul noticed Nancy was looking rather worried.

"Hey, is everything alright Nance?"

"What? ...oh right, yeah course it is!" Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Come on Nancy, I'm not that thick!"

"No, I didn't mean that I...it's just..." she let out a long, slow breath "ok, I've got to tell someone. Just promise me you won't judge me, yeah? I didn't mean for it to happen..." she finished quietly. She looked over at John Paul, obviously deciding whether she could trust him.

"Don't be silly Nance, I hardly have the right to judge anyone!" Nancy stared at him for a few more moments before she looked away and started speaking, her decision made.

"Ok..."

...

"Are we done yet?" Craig couldn't stop himself from sounding like a petulant child. What did they expect?! He had just spent 6 hours of his short and valuable life trudging round what must have been EVERY clothes shop in Manchester. They had made him try on every shirt, every jacket, every pair of trousers and every pair of 'snazzy' shoes as Steph put it, that they could find. He had been allowed a 10 minute detour into HMV while Frankie and Steph checked out the new make-up stand in Debenhams, but he'd been whisked off again all too soon.

He sighed heavily as Steph shook her head at him, grinning wickedly. At least they had promised him something good for tea as a reward, although the fact that he didn't know where they were going made him slightly nervous. He let his mind wander as he plodded unenthusiastically behind his Mum and his sister. He wondered what John Paul was up to. He'd said something about meeting up with Nancy. They were probably revising together knowing Nance; she was getting really quite exam-paranoid at the moment. He started to feel sorry for John Paul but then snorted, causing his Mum to turn round and give him a worried look, however obsessive Nancy might be about exams Craig would bet a serious amount of cash that John Paul was having a better day than him!

It was lucky for Craig that he didn't make that bet.

...

"Jake!? Seriously!"

John Paul tried to keep the shock in his voice as minimal as possible, he could see Nancy was desperately nervous. But damn it was hard! It had been easier to understand with Jake – he was a guy living in close proximity to an attractive girl. Maybe he saw Becca in Nancy, maybe he saw her as some kind of replacement…NO! John Paul pushed that thought away quickly. That was just wrong. Still, he could see where it might come from. Nancy on the other hand, was different. This was her sister's husband! A part of his brain he had no control over brought up an image of Carmel and Aleks. No, he told himself, that was different. Wasn't it? Aleks and Jacqui's marriage was a sham…but Carmel hadn't known that when she'd fallen for him. Maybe it wasn't so strange…or unexpected. It was obvious how well Jake and Nancy got on, and John Paul was well aware of how irresistible a Dean boy could be… It felt a bit weird but he realised that it wasn't as though it was Nancy's fault. Also, she was his friend and from the look on her face, she needed her friends right now.

He made himself speak. "So, how long have you…um…felt like this?"

"I don't know!' she exclaimed, her voice raw with frustration and pain "It wasn't like one day I just decided 'Right, that's it, I'm gonna fancy Jake!' My dead sister's husband!!" Despite the anger in her voice John Paul could see the girl behind it who was lonely and confused; afraid of her own desires.

"I'm sorry Nance…I didn't mean it like that." He hesitated, unsure of how to deal with the situation and with no Craig Dean in shining armour to come and save him this time. He tried to push away the rather appealing image. "It's a bit hard to take in that's all…I'm not blaming you in any way, I know better than anyone that you don't choose who you fall for!" He ended with a slight laugh in his voice, an attempt to lighten the mood and cheer up Nancy. It did neither.

"Oh God! It's such a mess, how did my life get like this?!"

John Paul was just trying to think of something comforting to say when his phone started ringing.

It was Craig

"Hey John Paul!" came Craig's cheery voice down the line "what you up to mate? Tell you what, I've had a seriously monstrous day, do you fancy meeting up for a drink?"

John Paul couldn't help but smile at the sound of Craig's voice; he didn't mean to, it was like a reflex. He immediately frowned again as he looked at the girl sitting next to him. "I'd love to, but I'm just with Nancy at the moment, could we meet up a bit later? Say about six?" He tried to make his voice as light as possible, matching his best friend's tone.

"Yeah, course mate!" Craig replied easily "Do you wanna come to the Dog? We could go to the loft after?"

"Sounds great…" John Paul hesitated. He wasn't sure whether he should ask Nancy if she wanted to come. He wished she wasn't in the room so he could quietly see if Craig minded, he didn't know if he wanted it to be just them. JP ignored the way his stomach flipped over at that last thought and decided that he at least owed Nancy an invitation.

"Nance, me and Craig are gonna meet at the Dog for a drink later, do you wanna come? Might do you some good…"

She looked pensive for a moment and then shook her head "Nah, I'll pass but thanks".

John Paul tried again out of a sense of duty "Are you sure? It might be a laugh, you know, get your mind off things?"

Nancy just shook her head again "No thanks, I think I'm gonna have an early night. Jake's looking after Charlie so I might actually be able to get a good night's sleep!" She smiled weakly. John Paul doubted it somehow.

"Ok" he said, moving the phone back to his ear "Craig? Yeah, that's fine…right…I'll see you in a bit. Bye." He ended the call, feeling giddy already at the thought of seeing Craig again soon. Stop it! He told himself sternly. God, he really needed to get a grip.

"Don't worry Nance, it'll sort itself out somehow…"

Nancy just nodded faintly, she seemed to have drifted off into a different world, a less complicated, happier place.

"Nancy? I mean it! You won't do any good by worrying. Maybe you should talk to Jake?"

"No" was the surprisingly sharp reply. "No…" she said in a gentler tone "it would just mess things up. I need to be strong for Charlie."

John Paul debated telling her what Jake had told him, but then decided against it. Jake would have to be the one to tell her. John Paul wondered if anything would ever come of their feelings. Would they be able to deal with it; to built something together? He didn't know, but whatever happened, he knew it wasn't going to be easy.

"We'd better actually do some revision or we'll be completely screwed on Monday!"

John Paul chose to let her drop the subject. He nodded in agreement, allowing a smile onto his lips. He settled himself back into the sofa and tried to focus on his notes. It was made difficult by the knowledge that he was going to be with Craig Dean in just under two hours…


End file.
